Original Question:

This is my concern. I'm a sophomore RA in a freshmen residence hall and my roommate, who I haven't met, is going to be a freshmen. I called her and she said she didn't choose to live with an RA, but that she doesn't mind it. I don't want her freshmen experience to be any different than if she was going to be living with another freshmen, but I still want her to see me as her RA. Need some tips, please.

Experts' Answers:

I would consider sharing the following points first with your roommate:

1. That she is a welcome member of the room and to mutually agree on how the room is decorated and how you both create a comfortable atmosphere for each other.
2. Living with an RA can be a benefit in many ways, particularly if she aspires to be one. Consider it a sort of "back stage pass" to the world of residence life.
3. At the same time, living with an RA can be difficult at times because of people who knock on the door at inconvenient times to see her. Encourage your roommate to discuss their needs with you and also to the residents on the floor. I'd recommend that there be a designation on your door telling people that you (the RA) are not home so that your roommate isn't interrupted constantly by students looking for you.
4. Make sure that the roommate articulates to others on the floor that you are not an RA, spy, or assistant RA. Roommates should not be expected to, nor should they, perform the duties of a RA.
5. Should the roommate overhear something confidential, they should remember not to share that information with anyone else.
6. If your roommate feels uncomfortable confronting you, they should be encouraged to talk to the Hall Director.
7. Your relationship with your roommate should be of one of flexibility. Each of you should be willing to assert yourself in the relationship and be willing to articulate your needs.

Generally, your roommate may experience something different than if she were rooming with another freshman but if you both are willing to see each other's perspective and communicate needs with each other, I think you can be very successful living together.

Good luck,

Ray Gasser

I truly think that your roommate will have a better freshman experience than other freshman just because she is living with an RA. You will be able to open up opportunities that many students may not become aware of. As a sophomore, and her roommate, you will also be able to provide more guidance to her than other freshmen may get.

I would strongly recommend that you have a discussion with her about what is to be an RA at Siena. I have learned that many freshmen come to college with difference perceptions of what an RA is and does. This is based on what they have heard from friends and siblings who go to other colleges, what they see on TV, and other avenues. I think it will be really helpful for her for you to explain what your job/role is so that she knows what to expect.

In addition to that I would ask her what she would like to get out of her relationship with you as an RA and roommate. She may not know enough during the first week to articulate this, so you may want to follow up in a couple of weeks when she has more college experience to reflect upon. She may want just a roommate, she may want a friend, she may want someone to help her through the transition, she may want someone to tell her about opportunities, but not push her into those. I think it is good to ask her what her expectations are.

Keep in mind the nature of the relationship may change as she progresses and her needs/wants change. Try to stay attuned to that and keep the lines of communication open.

Finally, let her get to know you as a person in addition to an RA. I think this will really facilitate your relationship. Of course, she is going to see you as the RA first. Right now that is going to be the primary role she identifies with you. But as she gets to know you as a person, I am confidant she will begin to see you primarily as a person and RA as secondary or even tertiary.

Good luck navigating this first dilemma of your RA experience. Be confidant that you can do it. If you couldn't you wouldn't have been hired in the first place. Let me know if you have any other questions.

Gavin
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Gavin Henning
Research Associate
Student Affairs Research and Assessment Center
University of New Hampshire

In terms of your question, it is always difficult living with a student whom you do not know, even more difficult living with a student whom you are the RA too, and worse when the student is a first year student. This is not an ideal situation, but....

You have some control of the situation, i.e. you have lived on campus before and can serve as a great resource and referral to the roommate. You need to set "standards" early on about what your role is and the expectations Siena has for you, which means, you need to inform your roommate that you will enforce university policy and hopefully from your relationship your roommate will respect what you need to do. The more time you spend with your roommate and other peers on the floor and have positive interactions the more they will respect you. A gentle reminder before your roommate goes out on a weekend might not be a bad idea too.. be light, but confident in sharing those expectations with them, and also remind your roommate that they are the same expectations you have for everyone.

Tom Ellett
New York University

Her experience is going to be different and you cannot really prevent that. However, do not assume that this is a negative thing. She may not know anything about what an RA is except for random information from friends, parents and even from TV or movies.

I would encourage you two to sit down and talk. Talk about what excites her about her first year, what she is looking forward to, what you are looking forward to and what you both may be anxious about. Discuss the RA job and what it is and how it could affect life.

She may not come to school with any intention of breaking policies or living outside of the boundaries that you are expected to help maintain. By living with you she will hopefully have access to a great campus resource.

It is tough to be an RA and share a room. Our RAs have to do that here. I would encourage you to discuss with her how to deal with occasions when you may need to have the room to discuss confidential information. Hopefully, she will accept the confidential nature of what you do and be able to help you honor that.

Best of luck. It is a challenge. This may be your first effort this year to help two roommates understand each other better.

Trey Reckling
Ombudsman
Savannah College of Art & Design

My question is this. How am I supposed to deal with my loud, dirty, trashy apartment mates? I'm the RA, which means I have to respect them regardless, but they do not respect me! They are wholly inconsiderate, and I HATE living with them. I don't think I can move...simply because my RLC specifically put me in this apartment to "watch" these girls. I feel like I am a bad RA because RA's shouldn't have roommate conflicts. I've tried talking to the girls, but they are all smile in my face and talk behind my back (loudly...where I can EASILY hear it).

Hello.

Please don't think you are not a good RA because you have a bad apartment"mate" situation. We at Syracuse University often run into this situation. Our AAs do not get to choose their apartment partners either. Sometimes this makes for a difficult situation.

My thoughts would include meeting with your supervisor who helped create this situation for you. Have the supervisor meet with you and your suite mates and explain why s/he placed the RA with them. I believe honesty is the most important factor in this situation. S/he has some responsibility. Maybe if the apartment mates understand this was not in your control they can place their anger with your supervisor. (Personally I never mind being viewed as the "bad guy" to help elevate how difficult it can be for students, not everyone buys into that philosophy.)

I would also ask your supervisor to assist in creating a plan of success for the three of you. You should set standards of how you can all three come to "agreement" of issues of civility and respect.

Whenever someone "breaks" the agreement they need to be held accountable. Remember to put this in writing. A key factor in making agreements, and all sign the agreement.

You may also want to spend time talking about your personal goals and interests, by chance maybe you have more commonalties than you thought.

I believe these are good steps in having a more cordial relationship for the three of you. If you need any further resources, like the RAs in our apartment areas, I would be happy to have them e-mail. Let me know. Peace and good luck!

tom ellett
director of residence life - Syracuse University

That is a tough situation you have.

It sounds like there may be more going on than just a messy apartment. It might be helpful to assess the overall situation and try to solve the problem not just the symptons.

Is there any kind of roommate contract that you all signed at the beginning of the year that you can use to enforce the condition of the room? If not, I think that you may have to bring in a mediator. I would try to find someone that is not your direct supervisor, though. Your apartment mates will not likely be open to mediation if they believe that the third party is not un-biased.

Another route may be to revisit or set (if you hadn't yet) some ground rules for the apartment condition. Maybe this will help.

-Gavin

This is a tough situation to be in, and I had an RA two years ago that was stuck in the same position. I think that the best action would be to talk to your RLC about their behavior, even though you think that he/she may have placed you there for a reason. He/She needs to know that it is affecting you as an RA and a student to live with them. I also don't think that you should have to think that you have to move, as an RA you wouldn't penalize one of your residents by making the "good" person move and allow the "bad" people to continue their behavior. If they get a new roommate, chances are that there will be a problem again and then you'll be right back in the room solving another problem.

I would suggest working out a Roommate Contract between yourself and your roomies. You can outline behavior in the room etc in the contract. Have the RLC work this out between all of you so that all people feel that their voice was heard. Then later if their are issues, you can point to the contract as a guide and bring up the issue again.

And always remember, RA's can have roommate problems too! It's not a shortcoming, just some people are difficult to live with. As long as you follow the same rules or procedures that you would expect from your residents, I don't think that you should have anything to worry about. Good luck.

--Sean

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