Resident Assistant.com Jokes

• Nice try - signs and notices in English - more or less - discovered in hotels around the world. We laughed so hard we cried...
• Courthouse Bloopers - this is really funny. (to me, anyway!)
• Notable Quotes - good taglines and so on
• Church Bulletin Bloopers - unbelievable!
• Basic Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run - funny especially to cat lovers.
• A stupid riddle - funny to church afficionados.
• Weird headlines which actually appeared in newspapers - you won’t believe!
• Sick! - a true and tragic news story, funny to those who have a really warped sense of humor.
• A page of religious humor (if you’re into that sort of thing).

NICE TRY

Here are some signs and notices written in English -- more or less -- that were discovered throughout the world.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.

COURTHOUSE BLOOPERS

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court. From Mrs. Gilman’s two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America’s keepers of the word:

• Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
• A. I refuse to answer that question.
• Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
• A. I refuse to answer that question.
• Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
• A. No.

• Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
• A. By death.
• Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

• Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
• A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

• Q. What is your name?
• A. Ernestine McDowell.
• Q. And what is your marital status?
• A. Fair.

• Q. Are you married?
• A. No, I’m divorced.
• Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
• A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.

• Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
• A. My ex-widow said it.

• Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
• A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

• Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
• A. I will be three months November 8th.
• Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
• A. Yes.
• Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

• Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
• A. I should be.
• Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
• A. Four times.

• Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
• A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

• Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
• A. Yes, sir.
• Q. Before or after he died?

• Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
• A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.

• Q. What happened then?
• A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
• Q. Did he kill you?
• A. No.

• Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
• A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

• THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

• Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
• A. No.
• Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
• A. Picking them up in the air.
• Q. Where was the dog at this time?
• A. Attached to the ears.

• Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
• MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

• Q. And lastly, Jimmy, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
• A. Oral.
• Q. How old are you?
• A. Oral.

• Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
• A. She is my daughter.
• Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

• Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

• Q. ...and what did he do then?
• A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
• Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

• Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
• A. He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

• Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
• A. I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
• Q. It was covered?
• A. Yes, bandaged.
• Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
• A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

• Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
• A. I could see his head.
• Q. And where was his head?
• A. Just above his shoulders.

• Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
• A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that sonofabitch - and she did!

• Q. Do you drink when you’re on duty?
• A. I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

• Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
• A. The victim lived.

• Q. Are you sexually active?
• A. No, I just lie there.

• Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
• A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

• Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?
• A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

• Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
• A. It indicates intercourse.
• Q. Male sperm?
• A. That is the only kind I know.

• Q. (Showing man picture.) That’s you?
• A. Yes, sir.
• Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

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NOTABLE QUOTES

• Stressed is merely desserts spelled backward.
• Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they’re OK, you’re it.
• Diplomacy is the art of letting other people have your way.
• I’ve always wanted to be normal, but lately I’ve come to suspect that this is it.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

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CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

• Don’t let worry kill you - let the church help.
• Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• Wednesday the Ladies’ Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
• Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

VII. PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. It is important though to maintain one’s Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.

VIII. FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.

c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human’s glass is full enough to drink from.

d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent--your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.

e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don’t forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people’s legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

IX. SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it’s in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

X. SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren’t around won’t help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

XI. HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one’s Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

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A STUPID RIDDLE

• Q: How do you open the windows in an orthodox church?
• A: Click on the icons.

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WEIRD HEADLINES

• Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies [The Los Angeles Times, March 2]
• Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men [The Sunday Oregonian, September 24]
• Man shoots neighbor with machete [The Miami Herald, July 3]
• Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons [Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6]
• How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart [Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5 ]
• Fish lurk in streams [Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29 ]

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A TRUE NEWS STORY

"Response to a wildfire on the south of France’s Cote d’Azur was billed as a marvel of modern fire-fighting technology. Two specially-built flying boats zoomed in, skimmed the waters of the Mediterranean, scooping vast amounts of water into their belly tanks, and then dropped the water on the hillside fire. It worked beautifully and the fire was extinguished. All was jolly and the wine flowed freely until a body was found in the ashes.

"The coroner found that the gentleman had apparently fallen from a great height, suffering serious injuries before being burned to death. The report further noted that the victim was wearing a bathing suit, snorkel, and swim fins."

 

I actually got these jokes from a page that deals with suicide.  I highly recommend the page for the information, links and resources that it has.  The URL is http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/